Eliminating filter words from your writing: Part 2

From my chapter book, "Tinsel Murphy and the Faery Hill"

          “Grandmother?” she called out. When she received no answer, Tinsel stomped up the rickety wooden stairs leading up to her grandmother’s room. Forgetting to knock, she pushed the door open.

“Grandmother!” She threw herself onto the grey-haired woman lying in bed, but quickly noticed something wasn’t right. Grandmother, usually full of life, looked tired for the first time. Her rosy cheeks had paled and she struggled to lift her hand to Tinsel’s cheek.

“What’s wrong?” the little girl asked. “You look sick.”

“I don’t feel very well, my Tinsel,” she slowly answered. She began coughing painfully. Tinsel jumped back, suddenly frightened. Without thinking, she ran as fast as she could to the village where she told her parents. They brought a doctor back home with them and he gave instructions on how grandmother should take her medication. But the medicine didn’t help. Days passed and her grandmother worsened. Tinsel could tell something was very wrong because of the worried looks her parents gave each other. When Tinsel was in the house they spoke in hushed voices.

Angry and scared, Tinsel paced back and forth in the field by her house, kicking pine combs. Grandmother was her best friend. She couldn’t stand around doing nothing. And then an idea occurred to her. What if grandmother didn’t have the right medicine?

As if by magic, a small light twinkled in the branch of a tree nearby. Tinsel turned towards the forest that lined the property and squinted. There it went again, this time brighter. Tinsel could feel her heart pounding, but took a step closer. All of the stories her grandmother told her about faeries came rushing back to her. Every night, her grandmother would put out a saucer of milk and a piece of bread for the faeries, but Tinsel had never seen any twinkling lights before.

*After editing*

I put filter words in red italics, words I could delete in green and underlined                                words/sentences have been rewritten.

“Grandmother?” she called out. No answer. Tinsel stomped up the rickety stairs leading up to her grandmother’s room. Forgetting to knock, she pushed the door open.

 “Grandmother!” She threw herself onto the grey-haired woman lying in bed, but quickly noticed something wasn’t right. Grandmother, usually full of life, looked tired for the first time. Her rosy cheeks had paled and she struggled to lift her hand to Tinsel’s face.

 “What’s wrong?” the little girl asked. “You look sick.”

 “I don’t feel very well, my Tinsel.” She began coughing painfully. Tinsel jumped back, suddenly frightened. Without thinking, she ran as fast as she could to the village where she told her parents. They brought the doctor back home and he examined her with care as he had known her all his life. Pulling a bottle from his bag, he gave instructions on how grandmother should take her medicine. He gave a grave nod and left the house quietly. Days passed, but the medicine didn’t help. Her grandmother worsened. Tinsel knew something was very wrong because of the worried looks her parents gave each other. When Tinsel was in the house they spoke in hushed voices.

 Angry and scared, Tinsel paced back and forth in the field by her house, kicking pine combs. Grandmother was her best friend. She couldn’t stand around doing nothing. And then it came to her. What if grandmother didn’t have the right medicine?

 As if by magic, a small light twinkled in the branch of a nearby tree. Tinsel squinted towards the forest that lined the property. There it went again, this time brighter. Tinsel could feel her heart pounding, but took a step closer. All of the stories her grandmother told her about faeries came rushing back. Every night, her grandmother would put out a saucer of milk and a piece of bread for them, but Tinsel had never seen any twinkling lights before.

From my fantasy novel, "Lasnora's Child"

Before I could even push the air out of my lungs, we had arrived.  The hooves of the horses drew out muffled echoes from the wooden bridge beneath us.  I peeked out from Araleth’s shoulder and saw a glimpse of the bridge’s surface.  It wasn’t rough and practical the way I had expected it to be, but smooth and coiling with wooden leaves and vines that choked the railings.  Detail upon detail, until it hurt to try and identify all of the insects hiding in the carved foliage.  Speechless, I pulled my eyes away and tried to concentrate on the path before us, but Araleth’s height made it nearly impossible.  

As we approached the main entrance, I noticed for the first time how some of the tree roots had grown into the quartz-like walls taking on the same iridescent tones in its smooth bark.  It was as if the trees were as much a source of strength and protection for the city as its walls were and the two were becoming one.  I felt more than heard a thrumming in the air as Shalin walked us under the graceful archway.  The walls seemed to hum at our passing and my blood pulsed in answer.  Araleth’s pulse quickened as well, jumping in time with my own.  Before us, the coalescing buzz of what could only be hundreds of voices bled into a deafening silence.  Looking around his arm, I almost gasped from the immense size of the crowd gathered before us.  They had already moved to the side to form a path.

As we passed the first onlookers, they immediately went down on their knees bending their heads low.  When I turned back to get a last look at them each eye was trained on me.  I gulped and turned back around quickly.  It continued this way as we progressed through the city.  Curious eyes daring to get a look at my face partnered with a strange flame of hope as if they had been waiting for me.  I swallowed again in an effort to calm myself.  I never minded crowds, in fact, I favored them because there was always a greater chance of blending in, of being lost within them.  But this was unnerving.  Being the center of attention, having people look at you expectantly.


*After editing*
I put filter words in red italics, words I could delete in green and underlined words/sentences have been rewritten.

Before I could exhale we had arrived.  The hooves of the horses drew out muffled echoes from the wooden bridge beneath us.  I peeked out from Araleth’s shoulder and saw a glimpse of the bridge’s surface.  It wasn’t rough and practical the way I had expected it to be, but smooth and coiling with wooden leaves and vines that choked the railings.  Detail upon detail, until it hurt to try and identify all of the insects hiding in the carved foliage.  Speechless, I pulled my eyes away and tried to concentrate on the path before us, but Araleth’s height made it nearly impossible.  

As we approached the main entrance, I noticed for the first time how some of the tree roots had grown into the quartz-like walls taking on the same iridescent tones in its smooth bark.  It was as if the trees were as much a source of strength and protection for the city as its walls were and the two were becoming one.  I felt more than heard a thrumming in the air as Shalin walked us under the graceful archway.  The walls seemed to hum at our passing and my blood pulsed in answer.  Araleth’s pulse quickened as well, jumping in time with my own.  Before us, the coalescing buzz of what could only be hundreds of voices bled into a deafening silence.  Looking around his arm, I almost gasped at the immense size of the crowd gathered before us.  They had already moved to the side to form a path.

As we passed the first onlookers, they immediately went down on their knees bending their heads low.  When I turned back to get a last look at them each eye was trained on me.  I gulped and turned back around quickly.  It continued this way as we progressed through the city.  Curious eyes daring to get a look at my face partnered with a strange flame of hope as if they had been waiting for me.  I swallowed again in an effort to calm myself.  I never minded crowds, in fact, I favored them. There was always a greater chance of blending in, of being lost within them.  But this was unnerving.  Being the center of attention, having people look at you expectantly.

I have WAY more editing in front of me than I thought! Yikes.